


Phantom Thief AU Done Right.

by ToxicPineapple



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Bondage, Bondage References, But I just..., Crack, F/F, F/M, Fourth Wall Breaking, I'm really sorry, I've been holding off from writing proper crack for so long, M/M, Multi, Murder, Ouma is a shota, Phantom Thief AU, Satire, Sex Jokes, Sexual References, Vibe Check, all those angst fics have failed to show you the real me, and the real me, crackfic, is a shitposter, this is who I am, what even is this tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-28 09:30:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20776340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToxicPineapple/pseuds/ToxicPineapple
Summary: "i thought you were straight," ouma twirls his hair around a finger."i am! i just-" kaito pauses, remembering that he's a dumbass. "wait! i don't know you, how do you know that?""i'm pretty sure there's no straight reason for you to want to fuck shuichi." tsumugi comments, and yes she was here the whole time, she just wasn't noticed since she's so plain. "a perfectly normal occurrence." TSUMUGI! i trusted you not to read my narration! "oops, sorry."---yeeeeeeehaw Kokichi Ouma is a phantom thief and he has hot steamy sexy times with Shuichi <:33333





	Phantom Thief AU Done Right.

shuichi saihara is a police detective. one of the best in the force, actually, but he's too modest to admit as much.

he's also fucking tired.

"nishishi." giggles the man (child?) in front of him. "you can't stop me from stealing this precious crystal. i'm gonna do it."

"no, you're not," says shuichi. "police literally have this building surrounded."

"i'll have to get past you first, then!" the thief (phantom thief? edgy title but that's what kyoko called the guy, so, meh) walks up to shuichi, his eyes- which are purple- gleaming.

"i have a gun." shuichi warns.

"you won't shoot me, detective," coos the thief.

"actually," shuichi starts.

the thief pulls off his mask, revealing- _holy shit he's literally twelve._

"nevermind i can't kill you." shuichi pulls out his phone. "i'm calling the police, you're just a random chi... wait. I'M the police."

"wow." the thief blinks. "i thought you'd get flustered by how handsome i am."

shuichi makes a face like he just tasted something sour. "i'm not a shotacon."

"RUDE!"

"you're literally seven!"

"didn't you say twelve earlier?"

"i did _not _say anything of the sort, where did you- GASP! are you reading my narration?" shuichi touched his face with both ha- wait, he's reading _what now?_

"did you just say gasp out loud?"

"that's because the narrator didn't say I gasped in narration." wow! fuck you, shuichi. and you! stop reading the narration! this isn't even from your perspective!

"aww, but you always make me break the fourth wall. i'm kokichi ouma! dice always breaks the fourth wall!"

"kokichi, huh?" shuichi smiles, writing that down, as he somehow knows the right kanji's for ouma's name. also, yeah you break the fourth wall but you can't read the narration!!! that's against the rules!

"what rules?" uhh... the ones that.. uh... "you don't have any rules on your side." fuck _off _i could literally kill you. "but you won't." how do you know that? "since this is a phantom thief au, i'm supposed to fuck shuichi. you won't kill me before that happens."

"again, not a shotacon." shuichi reminds nobody, unhelpfully. "hey! what did i do?" well, you're clearly reading the narration, which is unacceptable. "it's from _my perspective!" _oh, funny how that happens.

"i'll either fuck you or make you fuck me," ouma smiles deviously. "that's the nature of phantom thief aus. dubious consent is all the rage these days!"

"uhh... dubious consent? do you mean ra-"

"YOU CAN'T FUCK HIM IF I FUCK HIM FIRST!" kaito yells and breaks down the wall.

"kaito!" shuichi cries.

"hi, i came for plot convenience! also no one gets to flirt with my sidekick but me!"

"i thought you were straight," ouma twirls his hair around a finger.

"i am! i just-" kaito pauses, remembering that he's a dumbass. "wait! i don't know you, how do _you _know that?"

"i'm pretty sure there's no straight reason for you to want to fuck shuichi." tsumugi comments, and yes she was here the whole time, she just wasn't noticed since she's so plain. "a perfectly normal occurrence." TSUMUGI! i trusted you not to read my narration! "oops, sorry."

ouma doesn't notice or hear her, even though he's still reading the narration, since she's very plain. "sorry dumb ass! this is a phantom thief au, the main pairing can't be saimota!"

"ah, well, if you want my opinion-" shuichi starts to say.

"i don't, actually." ouma says snidely.

"i can't believe i just got sassed by a four year old."

"??? wasn't i seven before?"

"oh my, it seems he's regressing in age as time wears on!" tsumugi gasps.

"i'm twenty eight!" ouma yells, so enraged by the remarks about his age that he forgets not to notice tsumugi (who is very plain.)

"shuichi!!!!" cries kaede in a high pitched voice that doesn't fit her very well.

"kaede!" shuichi cries as well, blushing because his gay crush (kaito) and his straight crush (kaede) are now both in the same room.

"how could you have sex with a two year old? i thought you loved me!"

"i didn't have sex with him!" yells shuichi.

"i'm twenty eight!" yells ouma.

"no, my bro loves me!" yells kaito.

"poly ship?" shuichi tries desperately.

"no." kaede crosses her arms.

"please?" shuichi tries again.

"ok." kaede agrees.

"we should add maki too, just for funsies." kaito gives a thumbs up.

"who's maki?" ouma asks.

"irrelevant because you're not a part of this." kaede shrugs.

"oumota is unacceptable in all forms so that's why this is." tsumugi notes. "you're projecting onto me, narrator. nobody else here shares your avid hatred of oumota." yeah but i'm the writer so i'm obviously _right_. "i mean no but-" _yes. _"ok."

"is this even from my perspective anymore?" shuichi wonders. yeah, it is, but everyone else here is a motherfucker. "fair enough. not my mother though, because she left." that's true.

ouma then leaves, stealing the precious crystal.

"wait no my reputation as a detective!" shuichi cries in horror.

"don't you know how phantom thief aus work?" kaede asks. "ouma always gets away the first time."

"fuck." shuichi says.

"bro! don't cuss! there are children here!"

"no, there aren't, the six month old baby left, remember?"

"I AM TWENTY EIGHT YEARS OLD!" ouma returns to scream in anguish.

"oh, nice," tsumugi comments, but nobody hears her since she's so plain.

"huh." rantaro wanders in. "this isn't connecticut."

"are you lost?" kaede asks, blushing since it's rantaro.

"oh, yeah, probabl-"

"DON'T FLIRT WITH ME PLAYBOY!!! i have two boyfriends and a girlfriend!"

"??? i wasn't flirting with you but oka-"

"stupid normie." tsumugi glowers. "i'll teach you to sass my waifu."

rantaro blinks. "hey, has tsumugi been here the whole ti-"

** _"VIBE CHECK!"_**

"oh my fucking god." shuichi whispers. "he fucking dead."

"press f to pay respects." ouma hangs his head mournfully.

"f." says kaito.

"f." says shuichi.

"f." says tsumugi (but no one hears her since she's so plain.)

"f." says rantaro, even though he's dead.

"f." says maki who was here the whole time.

"i will not press f. i'll press h to harm." kaede says, planning on starting a revolution.

"wait! i just remembered something!" shuichi gasps.

"what is it?" maki asks, planning secretly on killing ouma for no reason other than she hates newborn babies.

"i'm twenty eight," ouma says sadly.

"I'M THE POLICE!"

shuichi arrests ouma and also kaede because she apparently killed rantaro (which she didn't, that was tsumugi, but since she's so plain no one saw her do it).

"i dunno," kiyo shrugs, doing bondage with nagito komaeda to get views on his youtube channel so people will watch him talk about ancient bdsm rituals. "i thought she was just going to the bathroom."

"that's fair," says komaeda, tied up.

"why are you arresting me!!! i'm your romantic interest!" ouma sobs.

"sorry lil dude, you're a fetus from the womb of a woman who's three months pregnant and i'm not a shotacon." shuichi puts ouma into a police car.

"i'm twenty eight!" ouma screams out the window as the car drives away.

"are you really arresting me?" kaede asks sadly.

"yeah but we'll break you out later." shuichi says, casually discussing breaking the law in front of kyoko who is his boss. (she however does not care as she's secretly a voyeur and wants to watch the hot sex from shuichi kaito maki and kaede.) "bye." he puts kaede in a police cruiser.

"sixty nine." says the dead rantaro.

"haha nice." tsumugi replies.

**Author's Note:**

> what the fuck is this.


End file.
